Beautiful Intel

Scene: The Oval office. President Trump sits at his BIG Desk.

His secretary  enters.

“Mr. President; Here are the secret documents you asked for. Also the Russians are waiting to come in with their photographer.”

“A Russian photographer? That’s beautiful. Make sure there are no Americans present.” The Russians and the photographer enter. The photographer has a dispatch case over his shoulder. He snaps photos and looks around the room.

Trump; “I want to tell you about my great Intel. I get the most beautiful intel, every morning. That’s today’s intel, on my desk. A list of all our American spies, the locations of our nuclear subs and the launch code for our atomic missiles. How beautiful is that? I want to discuss a mutual threat to peace. The rabbits on Easter Island are laying too many eggs. “

Meanwhile the photographer goes behind the desk and opens his dispatch case. He puts Trump’s papers in and substitutes Russian papers. Then he goes through each drawer, pulling out papers and stuffing them in his case. By the time he’s finished, the case is bulging and weights a ton. Then he places electronic bugs all around the office. The walls, the back of Trump’s chair, under the front edge of the desk etc. They are all flashing red.

Trump talks about the uprising of penguins and sperm whales. The Russians agree. He says; “In the spirit of friendship, here’s my internet password.” He hands them a white card ( 12345 ).

The Russians leave (The photographer staggering under the weight of his case). The oval office is ablaze with blinking red lights.

Sean Spicer enters. “Mr. President, there’s talk that you may have compromised some of our nations highest secrets and that your office has been bugged.”

“Nonsense Sean. I have eyes like a hawk. Beautiful hawk eyes. Do I look stupid to you?”

“Er, no sir.”

“Good. Go out and have a news conference on how bad Hillary is.”  Spicer leaves.

Trump settles in his chair and picks up the morning briefing, and reads:



George Washington, King Tut, Santa Claus, Charles Darwin, Paul Revere, Betsy Ross, John Phillips Susa, Cleopatra, Laurence of Arabia, Napoleon Bonaparte.

“Boy, those are sure secret. I’ve never heard of them before.”                   


Mount Everest, Tierra del Fuego, the Gobi desert, Atlantis, the pyramids of Egypt (that used to hold grain), Rocky mountains, Moon, and Vesuvius.

“They’ll never find them there.”


“Take 4 cups of flour, 3 eggs. A cup of sugar and and a cup of milk, with a pinch of salt.Mix together, and pour into a greased pan. Bake for 1 hour at 350 degrees.”

“Well, that’s too long to remember. I’ll shorten it to 360 degrees, and put it in my wallet. What’s this last one?”

                               “IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!”

(Written May 16, 2017)  

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