As Human as You Are

The entry chime sounded. Andy looked at the security monitor then opened the door. “Andrew Thornton? I’m Thomas Benton, of ‘Companion’s Inc’. I have the package in our delivery van. If we can get a palm print and a retina scan, I will make the delivery. Just put your right …

BREAK-UP

“Sal, I think we should start seeing other people.” “What do you mean John, ‘Seeing other people.’ I’m happy just seeing you.” “I know that, but we should be getting out more.” “I don’t like the tone of that. What are you leading up to. You want to break up …

Doorway to Heaven

The doorbell rang and Martha answered to three gentleman.  “Come in Doctor. I’ve made cold lemonade for you.” “Thank you Martha. As I’ve told you there’s a convention in town. This is Dr. Cranston and Dr. Zimmer. Colleagues of mine. I’ve told them about your abilities and they wanted to …

Eduardo!

“He said that the only method the church approves of is: If I’m flat on my back with my eyes closed, doing the Stations of the Cross in my mind. He’s a holy man.”

“Anything else?”

“He tells me of some of the things he hears in the confessional. He wants me to know these things so I can avoid them.”

Gator-Burgers

You’d never know it, but it’s a whole different world, behind the counter. I mean, from the front all you see is the ketchup, sugar, salt, and pepper. But on the back side, there are plates, cups and saucers, silverware, glasses, napkins and everything.

Bloody Mess

Bill took pride in his neatness. Not like some of those dropouts they hired. He was precise.

He finished the condiment section. Ketchup, mayo, mustard, relish, pickles. He stood back, admiring his work.

CHANG MAKES  IT  BETTER

This entry is part of the series Mr. Chang


“Well, Mr. Chang, it’s very a embarrassing problem. We hope you can help.”

“If embarrassed, must be about sex.”

“It’s something we’ve been hiding for a long time.”

“Chang find ‘Hiding for long time’, make problem worse.”

Al’s Porn Star

AL “Why don’t you come home with me?”

TERI “That wouldn’t be right, sir, going home with a strange man all all alone.”

AL “I’m not strange, I’m Al Bundy. Call me Al.”

Green Pills

There are people who don’t take Green Pills. They are called, “Stoppers”. Real nuts. Look just like normal folks, but they talk about Reality and The Truth, and how it will Set You Free. They stand on street corners handing out literature.

Angel

Jim slowly moved his head over. There was warmth. He moved a bit more. Holy Shit! feathers! He leaped out of bed and turned on the light. He saw a beautiful, blue-eyed blonde, smiling up at him. But feathers?

Darlington Station

Black beret, red lips, dangling cigarette, black and white striped top, no bra, black mini skirt, and high heels. He went over and looked carefully. “Ursula?”

“No.” She said in a French accent. “She ez weeth other customer.

Workhorse Woodies

These days Woodies are collector cars restored to pristine condition. This wasn’t always the case. There was a time when Woodies were filled with ladders, lumber, bags of cement and buckets of paint. This is a tale of those strange old days.

The Land Of Pure Gold

The years ground on. Jake became brown and weather-beaten. His black hair and beard turned white. Jake and MaryBelle walked slower. When people asked if he found it he would say; “Nope. But gettin’ close.” Or; “I’m just about there.”

As long as he had some money in the bank, they called him; “Touched.” When his money ran out they called him; “Crazy.” It’s amazing what a few dollars can do. 

Make Real

This entry is part of the series Mr. Chang


“That’s only in the movies,” said Number One Son. “We are from the books. We were next to each other on a shelf in Cincinnati. We got out because of cracked spines.”

“For cracked spine see chiropractor. Not Chang.”

The Black Body Project

A completely new agency was set up: “The Department of Underground Excavation.” This was composed of members of every agency that thought it would be good PR and every Scientific Body that though they could get a Research Grant. Of course, there were independent scientists, who wanted to study the “Mystery.”

Alien Abduction

Everyone has heard stories about being abducted by aliens. I mean, who hasn’t. It’s a very popular yarn, and it’s always the same. You’re snatched away and are never heard of again. Some say that a ray of light shines down on you and up you go. Or the “Hand …

The Fly

This entry is part of the series The Fly


The waiter brought my coffee and soup. I put a package of equal, and two creams, in the coffee and stirred. I unfolded my napkin, and laid it across my lap. I picked up my soup spoon and stopped. There was a fly in my soup.
“Waiter, waiter.”

50 Cents

When you joined, you got a card with squares on it. Each Sunday, you got a Blue gummed star to stick on the card. Four blue stars got you a Red star. Four red stars got you a Gold star. When you got your Gold star, they gave you a FREE bible!

Do It

This entry is part of the series Mr. Chang


A week later, a tearful, Mrs. Smith returned. “Oh, Mr. Chang. It’s terrible. He’s after me all the time. I don’t get any rest. I cant get any house work done. It’s sex, sex, sex, sex, every minute. And he wants me to do the most disgusting things. What am I to do?”

Strong

This entry is part of the series Mr. Chang


“What about, how Arnold Schwarzenegger looked, when he won Mr. Universe? The women were all over him. That’s what I’d like.”

“What limit on credit card? Maybe, not enough.”