My how melodrama has changed…
“Mr. Chang, My name is Dolores. I have an unusual story to tell.”
“All tales unusual. Maybe yours not so unusual. What problem?”
“If you’re making waffles, Who is that in our bed?”
(a collection of aphorisms– and aphorisnt’s)
The first premium we got was a free dinner and show at the Polynesian Cultural Center on the other side of Oahu, with a free 1 hour bus ride each way. Quite a deal.
Cymbals crash, horns blare and lighting flashes, black, flash, black. The lights come up.
Zeus appears on stage in a gold lamè costume.
Ron imagines the hijinks on the set.
Sebastian Livermore Trout researched the requirements for a legal name change. Did all the paperwork, and in two weeks, stood before a judge with his mother crying behind him, and changed his legal name to Biff Cartwright.
Beijing said; What the hell. If beautiful girls didn’t work, maybe cute Pandas would.
This is a proposed script for the show. The female protagonist would have been played by the beautiful Ann Margret. It’s written in a condensed form for easy reading. Enjoy.
We went back the next day. That night we was a little brighter. I thought: “Well, a good thing is a good thing.” I thought that it could be a real saving on kerosene. Us and the kids brought blankets and slept in the circle for a week straight.
Thomas Benton said, “That’s what you get for 3 million six. The whole works. She’s not like those cheap Japanese silicone ‘Love Dolls’. They only can do one thing.”
“So, where are you going to find these dumb broads?”
“Well, there’s this big, new, 80 inch, wraparound 3-D, holo screen, and a 3-Fem program.”
“Tell us Martha, when did you first know that you could predict the future?”
“Well it started before I was born.”
“Before you were were born?”
“He said that the only method the church approves of is: If I’m flat on my back with my eyes closed, doing the Stations of the Cross in my mind. He’s a holy man.”
“He tells me of some of the things he hears in the confessional. He wants me to know these things so I can avoid them.”
You’d never know it, but it’s a whole different world, behind the counter. I mean, from the front all you see is the ketchup, sugar, salt, and pepper. But on the back side, there are plates, cups and saucers, silverware, glasses, napkins and everything.
Bill took pride in his neatness. Not like some of those dropouts they hired. He was precise.
He finished the condiment section. Ketchup, mayo, mustard, relish, pickles. He stood back, admiring his work.
“It’s something we’ve been hiding for a long time.”
“Chang find ‘Hiding for long time’, make problem worse.”
“John Thompson, head of J T Industries, (JTI), was at the Halloween office party.”
AL “Why don’t you come home with me?”
TERI “That wouldn’t be right, sir, going home with a strange man all all alone.”
AL “I’m not strange, I’m Al Bundy. Call me Al.”
They entered the office, his hand on her shoulder and sat down.
In a few minutes, the secretary said; “Mr. Salvatore will see you now.” They got up, his hand on her right shoulder and walked to the open door.
There are people who don’t take Green Pills. They are called, “Stoppers”. Real nuts. Look just like normal folks, but they talk about Reality and The Truth, and how it will Set You Free. They stand on street corners handing out literature.
Jim slowly moved his head over. There was warmth. He moved a bit more. Holy Shit! feathers! He leaped out of bed and turned on the light. He saw a beautiful, blue-eyed blonde, smiling up at him. But feathers?
“Lassie said that you had fallen down the mineshaft.”
“Dad. Don’t believe everything Lassie says. Come on home and have milk and cookies.”
Black beret, red lips, dangling cigarette, black and white striped top, no bra, black mini skirt, and high heels. He went over and looked carefully. “Ursula?”
“No.” She said in a French accent. “She ez weeth other customer.”
These days Woodies are collector cars restored to pristine condition. This wasn’t always the case. There was a time when Woodies were filled with ladders, lumber, bags of cement and buckets of paint. This is a tale of those strange old days.
“Mr. President; Here are the secret documents you asked for. Also the Russians are waiting to come in with their photographer.”
“I practice stand up comedy for Chinese restaurant. You have fried rice? Give ’em black coffee. That sober em up.”
“I have a serious problem.”
“The Prince told this transformation tale to the Kingdom’s Wise Men, Advisors, Soothsayers and Astrologers. They all came to the same conclusion; It was an updated Cinderella story.”
“Now you listen to me. You’re a BAD cat. No doubt about it! ”
The years ground on. Jake became brown and weather-beaten. His black hair and beard turned white. Jake and MaryBelle walked slower. When people asked if he found it he would say; “Nope. But gettin’ close.” Or; “I’m just about there.”
As long as he had some money in the bank, they called him; “Touched.” When his money ran out they called him; “Crazy.” It’s amazing what a few dollars can do.
Through the swirling ice and snow, he spotted a woman lying on the ground. In this weather that was sure death. He knelt down beside her. She was barely radiating.
“Save me,” she whispered.
It wasn’t a mystery till it was discovered by the Crook twins, Jessie and James (their parents thought that was hilarious).
“That’s only in the movies,” said Number One Son. “We are from the books. We were next to each other on a shelf in Cincinnati. We got out because of cracked spines.”
“For cracked spine see chiropractor. Not Chang.”
I gave the parking valet the keys to my classic white Jaguar XK 120. “Don’t scratch it,” I said, and went inside. It was first time I’d eaten at ‘Gambino’s Family, Italian Restaurant.’
That’s why everyone wore GloomWear, to hide from the world.
A completely new agency was set up: “The Department of Underground Excavation.” This was composed of members of every agency that thought it would be good PR and every Scientific Body that though they could get a Research Grant. Of course, there were independent scientists, who wanted to study the “Mystery.”
Everyone has heard stories about being abducted by aliens. I mean, who hasn’t. It’s a very popular yarn, and it’s always the same. You’re snatched away and are never heard of again.
The waiter brought my coffee and soup. I put a package of equal, and two creams, in the coffee and stirred. I unfolded my napkin, and laid it across my lap. I picked up my soup spoon and stopped. There was a fly in my soup.
When you joined, you got a card with squares on it. Each Sunday, you got a Blue gummed star to stick on the card. Four blue stars got you a Red star. Four red stars got you a Gold star. When you got your Gold star, they gave you a FREE bible!
Richard saw all those White Swans, floating across the stage, and fell in love. He wanted to eat them up. He saw only one way to do it.
I think you actually had to negotiate a price. Otherwise, you were just talking to a pretty woman. That’s not a crime.
“How can you come in here, with only twenty cents?”
“Well, Laviney, I was horny and that’s all I had.”
A week later, a tearful, Mrs. Smith returned. “Oh, Mr. Chang. It’s terrible. He’s after me all the time. I don’t get any rest. I cant get any house work done. It’s sex, sex, sex, sex, every minute. And he wants me to do the most disgusting things. What am I to do?”
“I want a girl.”
“That cost more than bedroom set. You got credit card?”
“I’m Lt. Noonan, of the LAPD Bunko Squad. I’d like to ask you some questions.”
“Don’t own Bunco. Have Sony Flat screen. Good price. Very happy.”
“What about how Arnold Schwarzenegger looked when he won Mr. Universe? The women were all over him. That’s what I’d like.”
“What limit on credit card? Maybe, not enough.”
“If you’re Mr. Chang, you’ve got to help me. I need your advice”.
“Bad advice, free. Good advice cost money. What kind advice you want?”
“We want to have a baby.”
“Wrong place to make baby. Try regular method. I can make you Saint Bernard dog.”
“I want someone to love.”
“OK. I make you Saint Bernard. You love it.”