Rock-a-Bye Baby

This entry is part of the series Mr. Chang

The small sign said: C.T. CHANG  Potions, Nostrums, and Pills

A young couple pushed open the door and entered a darkened room.

“Hello?  Mr. Chang? Hello? Are you here?”

A light came on, and they saw a little Chinese man in red silk robes.  “What you want?”

“We met some people who said that you might be able to help us.”

“I help many people. What kind help you want?”

“We want to have a baby.”

“Wrong place to make baby. Try regular method. I can make you Saint Bernard dog.”

“No, we really want a baby. We’ve been trying for two years, and no luck, so far.”

“You see doctor? What doctor say?”

“He said Nancy is fine, but I have a low sperm count. We thought that you could help us.”

“If I help you, baby look Chinese. That not good for you.”

“No, no, not help out like that. It’s just that you may know some ways that we don’t.”

“Me know many ways. You do it, man on top?  Woman on top? Legs up? Like spoons? Like doggie? I know ironing board trick, learn in Shanghai. Not better, but much more fun.  I make suggestions. If you follow suggestions, have baby. Where you live?”

“We are renting a nice apartment over on the West Side, with a pool and sauna.”

“First suggestion: You buy 3 bedroom house. White picket fence. Roses around door. You come back when escrow done.”

A month later, Bill and Nancy returned with the deed and photos of the house. “Here you are Mr. Chang. All signed, sealed and delivered. We love it. Take a look.”

“Look like Thomas Kinkade painting, but very nice to raise children. How often you do it?”

“We do it every day. Like I’ve said, we’ve been trying for two years.”

“OK. You stop for two weeks. Take these pills, then make love. Guaranteed.”

Mr. Chang gave them a small envelope, contains two pink, pills.

“What? Are these like Viagra, or something?”

“No, no. Organic, all natural herbs. Not horny pills, loving pills. Take and go to bed.”

“Do we owe you any money now?”

“No, come back in year. If happy with results, then can pay.”

A year later, Bill and Nancy pushed a double stroller through the door. The lights came on automatically. Mr. Chang came in from the other room.

“Mr. Chang, Look. Nancy had twins. Bobbie and Betty. Aren’t they the most beautiful babies, you ever saw?”

“Me see plenty babies, all beautiful. Babies supposed to be beautiful. Make happy.”

“Mr. Chang. I noticed that the lights came on, the minute we entered?”

“Yes. Latest motion sensor technology. Cut electric bill way down.”

“How did you know that we would be needing three bedrooms?”

“Chang, know everything. Besides, I give you twin pills. Make sure. You like results?”

“Mr. Chang, you’ve made us so happy, How can we ever repay you?”

“You  repay with credit card.  Very easy.”

‘Thank you, Mr. Chang. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.”

Mr. Chang went into the other room and comes out, with a brown, furry bundle.

“What is that?”

“This Saint Bernard puppy. She very loving. Grow up with children. Best for family, with white picket fence and roses. Need Saint Bernard dog, for perfect picture.”

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