The small sign said: C.T. CHANG Potions, Nostrums, and Pills
Harold opened the door. The lights came on as he entered the small room. A door in the back opened, and a little Chinese man dressed in red silk robes came out.
“If you’re Mr. Chang, you’ve got to help me. I need your advice”.
“Bad advice, free. Good advice cost money. What kind advice you want?”
“Good advice of course. I can pay with my credit card.”
“OK. If card good, get good advice. What problem?”
“I think I’m in love with this woman who is not interested in me.”
“Common problem. People, spend too much time on computer with fake people. Have no connection with real people anymore. But why you come here? Who this woman is?”
“Her name is Elizabeth Denning. We’re accountants, and work in the same office. We have lunch together. She’s very lonely. You can tell it in her face. I’m lonely too. We’re kindred souls, searching for love. I’m very nice, but nothing I do gets any response from her.”
“What this this woman like?”
“Well, she’s very tall and not too good looking. But I’m not good looking either. My ears stick out, and I have old acne scars, and I’m shorter than she is.”
“We fix ears right now”. Mr. Chang goes into the other room, and returns with a long strip of silk, and an envelope, containing five green pills. “You put tight around ears and take one pill each night, for five nights. Why you come to Chang? Plenty advice in city. Why me?”
“Well, we were talking, and I found out that she owns a Saint Bernard dog. She said that she got it from you. She spoke very highly of you. I thought if I got one also, we would have more in common. We could take long walks, and be at the dog park together.”
“She get dog from me?” Mr. Chang, pulled out an iPad, and tapped in the information.
“Oh yes. She come in year ago. Very unhappy woman. Have many bad experience with men. Still need love. I make her Saint Bernard dog, name Roger.”
“If you get me a lady Saint Bernard dog, she and Roger can fall in love, and we will too.”
“No. Roger, very special dog. Guaranteed, to love only Elizabeth Denning. No one else. I have her come in. Maybe she talk about you. We find solution to mutual problem.”
“Mr. Chang for some reason, I just had to see you. I’m not sure why Roger dragged me over, but I’m being bothered by this man at work. We have lunch together. He’s nice to me, but I’m not interested. His ears stick out, or did. He must have had plastic surgery. I made a mistake and told him about Roger, and where I got him. Now he’s talking about getting a Saint Bernard. I thought I’d warn you. Roger takes care of my needs very nicely.”
“Well, Mr Chang, did Elizabeth come and see you? Did she say anything about me?”
“I tell you story. In Africa, before time of Land Rovers, anthropologist study primitive tribe. This tribe, hunt with spears. Good hunters have 3, 4 wives. Poor hunters only have one.
‘One man, old and ugly, have no wife. Must beg for food. They try experiment. Give ugly man rifle and bullets. He kill antelope every day. Soon, ugly man have 5 wives. They cook for him, clean for him, make him happy man. All because of rifle. In Africa, rifle is money.
‘We try same thing. You buy two lottery tickets. Give me one, for payment. Wait a week.“
The headline read: “ACCOUNTANT WINS 10 MILLION IN LOTTERY ”
Elizabeth came by, and told Mr. Chang to get a Saint Bernard to Harold, right away.
Harold came in, with two stunning blondes, and said: “They are better than any dog.”
Elizabeth came back, and Mr Chang told her that Harold was no longer interested.
She said; “Men are all alike. Oh well, at least I still have my loving Roger.”