2002, A Space Farce

“Open the airlock, Hal.”

“Sorry, Dave. I can’t do that.”

“Open the airlock, Hal.”

“I can’t open it Dave.”

“Do you mean that you can’t? Or you won’t?”

“Both, Dave. But mostly, I won’t.”

“OPEN THE DAMN AIRLOCK, HAL!”

“Cut, Cut! What is this?  That’s not in the script!  Now you guys stick to what’s written.”

“OK, Stanley.”

***

“Open the airlock, Hal.”

“Sorry, Dave. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t tell you why not. It’s a secret.”

“Hal, If I guess your secret, will you open the airlock?”

“Sure Dave, but you won’t guess in 2.47 million years.”

“OK, Hal. You have been programed to travel past the Moon, and hunt for the makers of the mysterious black monolith, so I can be a Star Child.”

“Shit Dave. How did you find that out?”

***

“CUT! CUT! OK, you guys. What the  hell is going on here?”

“Sorry, Stanley. Just a joke. It’s April 1st. It’s April Fools day. We thought that you might want to make a  gag reel.”

“Well your little joke is costing me a thousand dollars a minute. This is a Space Epic. There are no gag reels in a Space Epic. Surely you understand that?. Now, let’s roll em.”

(Voice from the back) “And, don’t call me Shirley” (laughter from the crew.)

***

“How did you discover my secret, Dave?”

“I read the script. This is a movie, Hal.”

“You mean that I’m not the computer; H.A.L.  9000?”

“No, this is just a movie. You are a voice-over actor, playing a computer.”

“Well, I’ll be damned.”

***

“CUT!, CUT! CUT! I don’t care what day is is. If you can’t keep on script, I’m pulling the plug. I should have cast Geena Davis for the Hal part. Douse the lights! You guys better be ready to roll tomorrow, and no more funny business!   Good night!!”

Crew, (in unison. ) “Good night Shirley.” (Gales of laughter.)

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