“Mr. President; Here are the secret documents you asked for. Also the Russians are waiting to come in with their photographer.”
“I practice stand up comedy for Chinese restaurant. You have fried rice? Give ’em black coffee. That sober em up.”
“I have a serious problem.”
“The Prince told this transformation tale to the Kingdom’s Wise Men, Advisors, Soothsayers and Astrologers. They all came to the same conclusion; It was an updated Cinderella story.”
“Now you listen to me. You’re a BAD cat. No doubt about it! ”
The years ground on. Jake became brown and weather-beaten. His black hair and beard turned white. Jake and MaryBelle walked slower. When people asked if he found it he would say; “Nope. But gettin’ close.” Or; “I’m just about there.”
As long as he had some money in the bank, they called him; “Touched.” When his money ran out they called him; “Crazy.” It’s amazing what a few dollars can do.
Through the swirling ice and snow, he spotted a woman lying on the ground. In this weather that was sure death. He knelt down beside her. She was barely radiating.
“Save me,” she whispered.
It wasn’t a mystery till it was discovered by the Crook twins, Jessie and James (their parents thought that was hilarious).
“That’s only in the movies,” said Number One Son. “We are from the books. We were next to each other on a shelf in Cincinnati. We got out because of cracked spines.”
“For cracked spine see chiropractor. Not Chang.”
I gave the parking valet the keys to my classic white Jaguar XK 120. “Don’t scratch it,” I said, and went inside. It was first time I’d eaten at ‘Gambino’s Family, Italian Restaurant.’
That’s why everyone wore GloomWear, to hide from the world.
A completely new agency was set up: “The Department of Underground Excavation.” This was composed of members of every agency that thought it would be good PR and every Scientific Body that though they could get a Research Grant. Of course, there were independent scientists, who wanted to study the “Mystery.”
MEADOW ESTATES. LUXURY APARTMENTS.
UNDERGROUND PARKING. EASY PAYMENTS.
Everyone has heard stories about being abducted by aliens. I mean, who hasn’t. It’s a very popular yarn, and it’s always the same. You’re snatched away and are never heard of again. Some say that a ray of light shines down on you and up you go. Or the “Hand …
The waiter brought my coffee and soup. I put a package of equal, and two creams, in the coffee and stirred. I unfolded my napkin, and laid it across my lap. I picked up my soup spoon and stopped. There was a fly in my soup.
When you joined, you got a card with squares on it. Each Sunday, you got a Blue gummed star to stick on the card. Four blue stars got you a Red star. Four red stars got you a Gold star. When you got your Gold star, they gave you a FREE bible!
Richard saw all those White Swans, floating across the stage, and fell in love. He wanted to eat them up. He saw only one way to do it.
I think you actually had to negotiate a price. Otherwise, you were just talking to a pretty woman. That’s not a crime.
“How can you come in here, with only twenty cents?”
“Well, Laviney, I was horny and that’s all I had.”
A week later, a tearful, Mrs. Smith returned. “Oh, Mr. Chang. It’s terrible. He’s after me all the time. I don’t get any rest. I cant get any house work done. It’s sex, sex, sex, sex, every minute. And he wants me to do the most disgusting things. What am I to do?”
“I want a girl.”
“That cost more than bedroom set. You got credit card?”
“I’m Lt. Noonan, of the LAPD Bunko Squad. I’d like to ask you some questions.”
“Don’t own Bunco. Have Sony Flat screen. Good price. Very happy.”
“What about, how Arnold Schwarzenegger looked, when he won Mr. Universe? The women were all over him. That’s what I’d like.”
“What limit on credit card? Maybe, not enough.”
“If you’re Mr. Chang, you’ve got to help me. I need your advice”.
“Bad advice, free. Good advice cost money. What kind advice you want?”
“We want to have a baby.”
“Wrong place to make baby. Try regular method. I can make you Saint Bernard dog.”
“I want someone to love.”
“OK. I make you Saint Bernard. You love it.”